New Weight-Loss Treatment Robs All Joy From Life

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There are a ton of supposed miracle weight-loss treatments and regimens out there, from juice fasts to vinegar diets (blech). But the one I read about today might be the craziest of them all.

Apparently, the hot new way to drop pounds is to sew an abrasive patch on your tongue so that IT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER F***ER WHEN YOU EAT SOLID FOOD.

Are we in the end of days here? Because it damn sure seems like it.

Developed in Venezuela, the treatment was recently adopted by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon (shocker!), who will transform your tongue into a soft muscle of pain for the low, low price of just $2,000. Basically, the patch makes eating so painful that you can only tolerate liquids, thus making you super svelte in a jiff! (Though, you'll have to change out the patch every 30 days or so, or else it will fuse with your tongue, making your life permanently sad and full of agony.)

Um...did the makers of this forget about milkshakes? Last I checked they're liquid (and delicious). And what happens when you want to make out with someone? Will that send you into spasms of agony, too?

I don't know about you, but this whole idea makes me want to run to the kitchen and make myself a big ol' sandwich and relish every single pain-free bite. Dear, sweet tongue: I shall never wrong you like this.

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Photo: istockphoto